My Doctor

I have just come back from an appointment with the doctor. Don't worry - there's nothing wrong with me, just results of a blood test and the recommendation for another test to see that I'm not anaemic.
When I got into the doctor's room, I noticed that her pretty blonde hair was shorter than it was the last time I had seen her, so I asked her if she had cut it and complimented her on it. She smiled and said she'd had it all chopped off, then she asked how I was and took me through the results of my test.

A fear that I have had for a long while now is about brain tumours- it terrifies me the thought that I may have a brain tumour, and that by using the computer or my phone too much, I may be inducing some self-harm in that area. She looked really compassionate as I said 'So, I've not got a brain tumour then?' and asked why that was a concern for me, and then assured me that my symptoms were not related and even went through symptoms for a tumour to put my mind at rest.

I was running over this appointment in my head as I got home and made myself breakfast, and something occured to me; My doctor is very nice, she's very helpful and she's professional, which means that she is not personal - she doens't talk about her private, out-of-work life, and she doesn't ask me about mine. When I mention something about work, she doesn't ask me what I do.

And all of this is OK, because she's my doctor, not my friend .... but it led me to thinking about God.

God, He made the Universe, He made me, He made my family and He is infinite and HUGE, but He is also personal. When I was at Summer Studies at a Bible school this year, one of the Bible teachers told us how God is INFINITE yet also PERSONAL. So with all that is going on in the world and all that is going on in my life, God is still personal and wants to hear about what's going on with me.

I was speaking at our youth Bible study last night about what it means to be a Christian, and I challenged us all to take 10 minutes and, with the pillows I had told them to bring, we all found a different spot to lie down and rest in and just waited to hear from God, listening to whatever He had to say.
When we regrouped, I shared that I find it harder when I'm leading the group to let myself go and truly relax because I'll be wondering how the children are getting on, but I said that what I did feel, and what I always feel when I do these 'soaking sessions', is that when I truly concentrate on God and just listening to Him, I feel like He reaches down and He hugs me.

 I encouraged the young people to try and do this soaking at home, and I said that God desires that we spend time with Him. He longs to just have one to one time with YOU. I spoke about how there are different uses for the word intimacy but that it actually just means closeness .... in one respect, a husband and wife share an intimacy that they don't with any other person, and similarly, God shares an intimacy, a heartheld relationship with YOU, that nobody else can be a part of. And God desires that intimacy, that closeness with YOU. I said that before Adam and Eve made mistakes, God had that intimacy with us ..... that is what we were designed and created for, to be close with God, and so when we have these quiet one-to-one times with God, we are taking back the ground that Adam and Eve experienced before the fall.

I find it amazing that God can be so infinite, so powerful, so much in charge of what is happening in our galaxy, so much the creator of US and life ........yet He still is SO personal that He wants to hug me, that He wants to spend time with me; listening to my heart as I speak, cry, rant, giggle, dance. It's truly amazing.

Infinite, yet Personal.

International Children's Day taught me a lot!

Today, June 1st, is International Children's Day.

I am a youth worker, and a strong believer in children all over the world; their being the people of TODAY, not in fact, the people of tomorrow as so many people describe them. I have learnt a lot from children; their actions, their reactions, my working with them, and a lot of the time, THEY have led ME, instead of the other way around.

3 years ago, 1st June 2012, I was in Romania with two friends. After waiting for 5 years, completely unpatiently, mithering, crying, pouting and being cross, God had given me the long-awaited opportunity to be back in the land that I had fallen in love with in 2007, and my two best friends were beside me. It was going to have been the trip of a lifetime!

Sometimes, you KNOW that there are things God is giving you to accomplish, things you must overcome and tasks He wants you to fulfill to move you closer to where He is and the plan that He has for your life.

However, we do live in a world where good and evil co-habit, and unfortunately, the devil too, has a sense when God is asking you to do something and giving you a mission to complete that will bring glory to His name and bring you nearer to Him. And he will try everything, and I do mean everything, in his power to stop that, and to stop you.

The day before we were due to leave Warrington to go to the airport, the three of us were with work, doing a charity car wash and we had clearly picked a good day for it because it was beautifully hot. The sun was beating down and the cars were drying faster. Being very very fair, I should have been more careful in the sun, but being over-enthusiastic and excited about the following day .... well, I wasn't, and pretty soon had a thumping head which ached and found myself turning bright red and feeling very very sick! Even a night of lying on the couch coated in yoghurt to take away the sting wasn't helping and eventually, we had to push our coach journey back, lose our hotel booking and take the overnight coach, me feeling as sick as anything.

We made it to Tirgu Mures airport, and met our friend Jo who took us straight to the project where we would be working the following week! Fortunately, my dad and two of our friends were already out there working on the building where we would be sleeping, so it was good to have a taste of home, after a long journey of feeling so ill and nice to receive a welcoming friendly hug.

After a while of visiting the homes of the children who we would be working closely with, Jo took us to the little village that had been in my heart since day one; Bazna. It's a very beautiful but small village, with a backdrop of lots of trees and mountain-y hills and the pure sound of dogs barking, hens and cockerels making noises and the smell of wood burning as people work hard! I love it! It's like my Narnia! So to be back after dreaming of this day should have felt amazing, shouldn't it? But as surreal as it was, I just wanted my bed.

The first few days passed, and I began to feel better, but we had already made comments of me returning back to England with Dad, the week before I was supposed to, and leaving my friends to do the work. Somehow, this had become the better option for me, and I wanted with all my heart to leave. It became a battle; my mind(and the devils lies) versus my heart (and knowing God's truth).

It was like I had been 'body-snatched' to use a friends phrase. I wasn't there, I wasn't myself. I couldn't be, I didn't want to be, I wanted to go home!

June 1st came and it was International Childrens Day, and the whole of our party drove the hours journey to Jacodu, a small village in Mures, which was to be our base for the next week. Well, not mine, cause I was going home, wasn't I? I WAS going home, surely? 
Determining not to let my guard down and not let myself enjoy it, or allow myself to even begin to love the children, I set about half-heartedy face-painting, but as I took up my position and was greeted by the thin, but cheekily smiling face of a young boy I later found out was named Corian, I began to feel in my heart that 'I could love this boy' which pushed me to 'I could love these children.' Corian and his heart-warming smile was the first turning point for me.

That night, the pressure increased. I was in turmoil. Sleeping was my only rest because when I woke up, I was faced with this .... decision. It shouldn't even have been an issue by now because I was well, but I was under an oppression like I have never felt at all and would never want for anyone. I didn't know what to do.

The day after, we went for a walk and the whole way round, my mind was in some kind of tennis match; 'I would stay' 'I would go' 'I would stay' 'I would go'. By the time we were on our way back to the house, I was going to stay, but as soon as I hit the house, I ran upstairs, grabbed the computer and logged onto the airline website, filled in my details and was trying to press 'Book tickets' when my finger kept repelling from the button. I would go at it with full force, but my finger couldn't flick the button. 

The fight was getting intense; the devil knew I'd heard all the reasons I was there, he saw I had met the children I was called to love, and he probably knew that my heart was giving way and he didn't want to lose. But PRAISE GOD, mercy said NO! 

I was prayed with and for, and that night, something shifted. I knew I was back because next morning, I was standing at the sink singing. I don't sing when I'm unwell, but when I'm okay, boy you can't stop me from belting out songs! I announced out of the back door that I was staying and felt the wash of relief, knowing I was doing what God had called me to and wanted for me!

It wasn't easy to continue on with our journey and I had to pray the whole car ride to our next base, and after finishing the first childrens club dissolved into a waterfall of tears on my friends shoulder admitting I couldn't and didn't know how to love the children like she and my other friend did. 

But God worked on that, and 3 years on, I have travelled back to see those beloved children 3 times and I thank God every time that He pushed me on, He held my hand and He enabled me to love them. His grace truly is amazing and this day, June 1st, will always be special to me, because although I was struggling, I caught the first glimpse of what my future is to look like, with these children, and I can never undo that. 

Contentment in Love

My book that I started the other day is continuing to speak about contentment - but now she explains something that is a relief, to probably, so many: contentment with your current situation doesn't mean that you are laying down your dreams for your future or saying that they will never happen, it's simply saying that you are content with right now, and excited, at a patient rate, for what the future holds!

What a relief to know that as we drove through all these villages I love so much, that I can enjoy them and be happy with right now, without feeling that I am laying down what I want for my future. I think it's something that we will have to learn everyday and choose to remember.

Today was the most special time with the children that I have ever experienced.

We went a little early so that I could meet the new school teacher who is helping the children and so the children waited with us; as did three boys that I haven't ever really worked with before, but I immediately wanted to draw them into our group and so that they knew they were accepted, and as the minutes passed, it became evident that it was important they were included. Two of them seemed almost shy of us to begin with, and in fairness, I'd never met them, so I'm not surprised they were cautious.

As we walked up to the house in the pouring rain, I began to realise more what love looks like. Love looks like wanting these children wearing inadequate clothing to have warm coats that keep their little bodies safe and dry; love looks like taking your favourite scarf off and draping it over the head of the child who has no hood, so that they remain a little dry. And in return, love feels like them clutching your hand and not letting go the whole walk, smiling up at you and clutching your hand even tighter; love is wanting to be with you.

Sitting in a lovely warm kitchen with the smell of hot soup floating round us, and pate on thick, yummy Romanian bread and seeing these two little boys looking questioningly up at us as we make sandwiches for them and offer them to them, with a look of 'For me? Why?' as though people aren't kind to them or they never received so much. It broke me. My heart cracked a little and began to weep. I wanted them to come home with us - not because I think 'Oh, you're so sweet', but the reality of 'Well, what do you go home to? WHO do you go home to? Do they love you? Do they feed you properly? Do they cherish you the way I was cherished and loved as a child and now as an adult?' The feeling of "I want for you everything that I had and more!" When we later passed around the biscuits, the smaller of the two looked like he didn't know what to do with them.

Slowly, these two boys began to come out of their shells and saw that they couldn't do anything that they would be shouted at for, that we wanted them to be there, that we were happy that they were here with us and that if they wanted some food, we would give it to them - it wasn't restricted.

The ten of us spent a relaxed and ENJOYABLE, happy time in that kitchen today, colouring, hearing a Bible story, remembering and being rewarded, doing a quiz and singing. That was another thing that we were able to show these children; happiness and love.

By the time we were going back, the children felt safe and were fighting to hold hands and be seen - they had felt acceptance and love and wanted it - and why ever not? That's what they NEED.

As I walked back after many hugs, 'I love you's' being given and received and restraints not to go, I had a full and healthy heart and spotted one of my older girls. We greeted each other, chatted a little and then I opened my arms to give her a hug, and as she came into my hug, she nestled her head under my chin and cuddled up to me, and in that moment, I saw my purpose here clearly - I'm a big sister. I'm loving them. The role of LoveLightRomania here in Jacodu and indeed in all of the projects they have undertaken is multi-faceted. They love, they educate, they feed, they provide, they teach, they care, they see, they invest and they care.

I don't dare you to come out here. Not even a little bit. I wouldn't want you to come on a dare.
By coming you are saying that you are willing, with the right attitude, to allow God to reveal His heart, His character and letting Him break yours a little. It's choosing to learn what love looks like. It's being willing to lay out your love and the possibility that it may be looked at and trampled on, unrepentedly so. But, it's also the joys of seeing a child grasp what you are teaching them and seeing the light shine in their eyes when they know they have got it. It's everything I said above. It's being willing to love. I am learning so much and today, I feel like my heart widened a little and there is room for so much more. And, I pray, that this means there is more to give, because my new friends today so MUCH need to be loved That's why we are here; to show every aspect of love that we can. And I can be content in that love. God will always give me more.

All day, I have been thinking and singing about lifting my eyes up to the hills, and as there are so many around, it isn't difficult. Our help truly does come from the Lord.

Amen

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains

where does my help come from?

2My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

3He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

4indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5The Lord watches over you—

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

6the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7The Lord will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

8the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121

Wanting a revelation.

I have been wanting to post a blog for some time now, but only for the sake of 'posting a blog', not a very good reason! But at the moment, I am living a different life, a slower, more contented life and I have more time to think and to reflect, and if I want to, to spend time with Jesus.

There is a key word in that last sentence, if you should choose to look for it: WANT.

In a roundabout kinda way, this is the reason for my post.

I have started reading a new book. I came away with .... let me see ... 4 deep books, as well as my favourite story, but the one that I started this morning, after feeling an urgent need to spend time in my Bible, begins with a chapter about resolutions, and the first resolution is about CONTENTMENT. It can seem like a scary word, and the authoress of my book assures her readers that there will be scary and challenging moments throughout the books pages, but she urges us and prays that we will continue with it.

In so many words, stop! Be happy with where you are, now. Don't think about the next hour. Think about now. Embrace your current, and those in it. Be happy with right now, and flow with the wave of time, don't try and outswim it!

I realise though, that for me, as a Christian woman, this contentment only increases when I am walking in step AND CONVERSING with Jesus. It would be so much easier to just read the Bible and not have to do the talking and listening part - that takes time, but God is never going to place us in a situation that we can't face, with His help. He's a mighty God, but He's Gracious and LOVING! At one time, I would have said that it is much easier to spend time praying and harder to read! 

Whenever you get closer to the plan that God has marked for your present, and even more so when you are living it and have crossed the borders of fear and past failure to get to it, enemy lies start whispering into your ear. Two days ago, I began to wonder what on earth my purpose is here in Romania. I LOVE Romania, but for me to work efficiently and well, I have to have someone to translate for me and I wondered then how God could use me! Or rather, those thoughts were in my head, and I almost began to feel down UNTIL  ........  I remembered that my Father assigned me this time to be here, these friends to be here and this work to do! So, yes, right now, my Romanian is less than fluent! But what better way to learn it than to spend time in the company of people who patiently repeat to me the correct way to pronounce, the difference in the grammar of this meaning of the word and that meaning in the word, and who, in the meantime, are happy to help me by either shopping or translating! 

Part of my new found contentment is learning to be flexible and putting other peoples needs in front of your own, and finding joy in THEIR contentment! 

SO, this morning, I think, (I don't remember as the days are so nice and long!), I was reading where I wanted to pick when God stopped me turning pages at Exodus 3! Now, we are teaching the children about Joseph, his dreams, and God's plans and it is fun to learn with them! But God wanted me to read ahead, and look at what I found!!

'Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian. And he led the flock to the back of the desert, and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. And the Angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire from the midst of a bush.  So he looked, and behold, the bush was burning with fire, but the bush was not consumed. Then Moses said, "I will now turn aside and see this great sight, why the bush does not burn".

So when the Lord saw that he turned aside to look, God called to him from the midst of the bush and said '"Moses, Moses!"

If you will, please read back over that passage and note the parts in bold. If you want to read it from your own Bible, it's Exodus 3:1-4.

Do you notice something? I have read this verse many times, but never really paid attention as I knew the story, knew the outcome, from being a small child!

Today, I realised this: Moses had to turn aside from what he was originally doing to step closer. We don't read that the bush was blocking his path and he had to look at it, but rather, the suggestion is that he had to turn away from the route that he had planned to take, to meet with God.

Verse 4 says that when he turned away from what he set out to do and chose to step closer to the place that God had designed to meet him, he called to him! When the Lord saw that Moses was taking time from the human natural to pay attention to the supernatural, He interacted with Him.

Another thing that I have just realised after re-reading this, is that Moses led the flock to the back of the desert. God meet us in the secret, quiet place where we cannot boast and look like the Pharisees. He had a specific and important calling for Moses, but Moses needed to be in the secret place and God needed to see that he was willing to take the time to listen! 

I found this pretty amazing and was grateful for this revelation! There are sometimes when I want to write a blog post, but the revelations are just for me and is God speaking to me, but this one I want to share, because it is a gracious conviction and a reminder of God's gentle nudge. But don't ignore the nudge!

Love in Christ's service and with His love,

Bethy xx 

Wow!

Wow!! When you think about what Jesus did, it's enough to blow your mind and make you see Him in all of His glory. He was blindfolded and then beaten, while being mocked for being who He genuinely was. 

Then on the cross, He was entirely separated from God, something that makes me shiver to think of, and as one who would not know God, descended into Hell, to prove to the devil that He was about to lose, He reclaimed all of our lives, He paid the debt for US of anything we would ever do, then having paid a debt we physically could not pay, He left hell and returned to earth, to prove that He had won and then went to be reunited with His Father.

I have been in a place of horrible turmoil where you cannot turn back, but to go on feels impossible, and when Jesus was in the garden, praying that God would make the hour pass, His words were, with unfathomable courage, 'Yet not MY will, but Yours be done'. Those words gave us LIFE. 

And Jesus faced the cross; the humility, the separation, the pain, the shame, the lies. 

So when He said in John 16:33 'But take courage, I have overcome the world', He meant it. And you can only give something which you possess and Jesus had GREAT Courage to ensure the cross.

So, and I say this to myself as much as you, '"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."' Jesus. John 16:33

Bethy , xx

Faithful God

I read this just now

He?s a God of Restoration (1)

?I will restore to you?? Joel 2:25

Whatever life has taken from you, God can restore. He may not give you exactly what you want, but He will give you what?s best. And even when you fall under His corrective hand through disobedience, if you repent, He will reinstate you to a place of blessing. You say, ?But what about the time I?ve wasted, the opportunities I?ve squandered, and the mess I?ve made of my life? Sometimes I wonder if I?ve fallen so low that even God cannot reach me.? No, there?s hope for you. The Bible says, ?Behold, the Lord?s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear? (Isaiah 59:1 NKJV). After wasting all that he?d inherited from his father, the Prodigal Son returned home, penniless and embarrassed. All he wanted was three square meals and a job in the servants? quarters. But the moment he said, ?Forgive me,? his father called for the best robe, the fattest cow, the newest shoes, and a ring of son-ship restoring him to his rightful place as a member of the family. Even under the crushing weight of the Old Testament Law, with demands that no one could live up to, God said, ?If a man steals an ox or a sheep?he shall restore five oxen for an ox and four sheep for a sheep? (Exodus 22:1 NKJV). Now if God would do that for those who lived under the Law and on the wrong side of the cross, how much more will He do for those He has redeemed? So you can go to Him today with confidence, knowing He?s a God of restoration. It's from the UCB Word for You Today. What a Faithful and Graceful Loving God we have that does this for us and forgives so freely, fully and lovingly! I think it's time for us all to take some time away and just be with Him! Beth x

Beautiful Bus

I'm on my way to my sisters. To get there, I have to get one of two buses. The 23 or the 24.
I'm on the 23 today! My favourite! Why? It's only a bus! Only a journey! 
But .... the 23 is no ordinary bus journey! You could be mistaken for thinking that, as far as Ramsthorn. 

But once you reach Stillthorpe, it's a whole different ball game.

Passenger 1gets on just through Ramsthorn and greets the driver by name, there's a bit of banter between the two of them, Passenger 1 concluding with 'If I'm wrong, I'll give you a fiver!'

This robust old man with a cheeky, weathered face now sits down and greets the cheerful old couple behind him and settles into thoughtful conversation as we bounce through the countryside, green and quaint!

"Here's your friend!", remarks the old lady after 7 or 8 minutes, and only one passenger getting on and greeting them with hello then settling down with his paper!

Number One stands up to grab a free newspaper and make room for his friend. The conversation now turns around to Ken Dodd's age and chuckles are heard all around this bouncing, busy, community bus. 

The ladies behind me engage in a conversation, even though they probably don't know one another.

Number One shoots me a cheerful grin. I get the impression He IS the Number One of this bus. 

Every newcomer greets the driver, has a bit of a chat and is chorused with the cries of hello from the rest of the passengers!

It is like the opening scene from Mallory Towers. And I love it!