My Doctor

I have just come back from an appointment with the doctor. Don't worry - there's nothing wrong with me, just results of a blood test and the recommendation for another test to see that I'm not anaemic.
When I got into the doctor's room, I noticed that her pretty blonde hair was shorter than it was the last time I had seen her, so I asked her if she had cut it and complimented her on it. She smiled and said she'd had it all chopped off, then she asked how I was and took me through the results of my test.

A fear that I have had for a long while now is about brain tumours- it terrifies me the thought that I may have a brain tumour, and that by using the computer or my phone too much, I may be inducing some self-harm in that area. She looked really compassionate as I said 'So, I've not got a brain tumour then?' and asked why that was a concern for me, and then assured me that my symptoms were not related and even went through symptoms for a tumour to put my mind at rest.

I was running over this appointment in my head as I got home and made myself breakfast, and something occured to me; My doctor is very nice, she's very helpful and she's professional, which means that she is not personal - she doens't talk about her private, out-of-work life, and she doesn't ask me about mine. When I mention something about work, she doesn't ask me what I do.

And all of this is OK, because she's my doctor, not my friend .... but it led me to thinking about God.

God, He made the Universe, He made me, He made my family and He is infinite and HUGE, but He is also personal. When I was at Summer Studies at a Bible school this year, one of the Bible teachers told us how God is INFINITE yet also PERSONAL. So with all that is going on in the world and all that is going on in my life, God is still personal and wants to hear about what's going on with me.

I was speaking at our youth Bible study last night about what it means to be a Christian, and I challenged us all to take 10 minutes and, with the pillows I had told them to bring, we all found a different spot to lie down and rest in and just waited to hear from God, listening to whatever He had to say.
When we regrouped, I shared that I find it harder when I'm leading the group to let myself go and truly relax because I'll be wondering how the children are getting on, but I said that what I did feel, and what I always feel when I do these 'soaking sessions', is that when I truly concentrate on God and just listening to Him, I feel like He reaches down and He hugs me.

 I encouraged the young people to try and do this soaking at home, and I said that God desires that we spend time with Him. He longs to just have one to one time with YOU. I spoke about how there are different uses for the word intimacy but that it actually just means closeness .... in one respect, a husband and wife share an intimacy that they don't with any other person, and similarly, God shares an intimacy, a heartheld relationship with YOU, that nobody else can be a part of. And God desires that intimacy, that closeness with YOU. I said that before Adam and Eve made mistakes, God had that intimacy with us ..... that is what we were designed and created for, to be close with God, and so when we have these quiet one-to-one times with God, we are taking back the ground that Adam and Eve experienced before the fall.

I find it amazing that God can be so infinite, so powerful, so much in charge of what is happening in our galaxy, so much the creator of US and life ........yet He still is SO personal that He wants to hug me, that He wants to spend time with me; listening to my heart as I speak, cry, rant, giggle, dance. It's truly amazing.

Infinite, yet Personal.

International Children's Day taught me a lot!

Today, June 1st, is International Children's Day.

I am a youth worker, and a strong believer in children all over the world; their being the people of TODAY, not in fact, the people of tomorrow as so many people describe them. I have learnt a lot from children; their actions, their reactions, my working with them, and a lot of the time, THEY have led ME, instead of the other way around.

3 years ago, 1st June 2012, I was in Romania with two friends. After waiting for 5 years, completely unpatiently, mithering, crying, pouting and being cross, God had given me the long-awaited opportunity to be back in the land that I had fallen in love with in 2007, and my two best friends were beside me. It was going to have been the trip of a lifetime!

Sometimes, you KNOW that there are things God is giving you to accomplish, things you must overcome and tasks He wants you to fulfill to move you closer to where He is and the plan that He has for your life.

However, we do live in a world where good and evil co-habit, and unfortunately, the devil too, has a sense when God is asking you to do something and giving you a mission to complete that will bring glory to His name and bring you nearer to Him. And he will try everything, and I do mean everything, in his power to stop that, and to stop you.

The day before we were due to leave Warrington to go to the airport, the three of us were with work, doing a charity car wash and we had clearly picked a good day for it because it was beautifully hot. The sun was beating down and the cars were drying faster. Being very very fair, I should have been more careful in the sun, but being over-enthusiastic and excited about the following day .... well, I wasn't, and pretty soon had a thumping head which ached and found myself turning bright red and feeling very very sick! Even a night of lying on the couch coated in yoghurt to take away the sting wasn't helping and eventually, we had to push our coach journey back, lose our hotel booking and take the overnight coach, me feeling as sick as anything.

We made it to Tirgu Mures airport, and met our friend Jo who took us straight to the project where we would be working the following week! Fortunately, my dad and two of our friends were already out there working on the building where we would be sleeping, so it was good to have a taste of home, after a long journey of feeling so ill and nice to receive a welcoming friendly hug.

After a while of visiting the homes of the children who we would be working closely with, Jo took us to the little village that had been in my heart since day one; Bazna. It's a very beautiful but small village, with a backdrop of lots of trees and mountain-y hills and the pure sound of dogs barking, hens and cockerels making noises and the smell of wood burning as people work hard! I love it! It's like my Narnia! So to be back after dreaming of this day should have felt amazing, shouldn't it? But as surreal as it was, I just wanted my bed.

The first few days passed, and I began to feel better, but we had already made comments of me returning back to England with Dad, the week before I was supposed to, and leaving my friends to do the work. Somehow, this had become the better option for me, and I wanted with all my heart to leave. It became a battle; my mind(and the devils lies) versus my heart (and knowing God's truth).

It was like I had been 'body-snatched' to use a friends phrase. I wasn't there, I wasn't myself. I couldn't be, I didn't want to be, I wanted to go home!

June 1st came and it was International Childrens Day, and the whole of our party drove the hours journey to Jacodu, a small village in Mures, which was to be our base for the next week. Well, not mine, cause I was going home, wasn't I? I WAS going home, surely? 
Determining not to let my guard down and not let myself enjoy it, or allow myself to even begin to love the children, I set about half-heartedy face-painting, but as I took up my position and was greeted by the thin, but cheekily smiling face of a young boy I later found out was named Corian, I began to feel in my heart that 'I could love this boy' which pushed me to 'I could love these children.' Corian and his heart-warming smile was the first turning point for me.

That night, the pressure increased. I was in turmoil. Sleeping was my only rest because when I woke up, I was faced with this .... decision. It shouldn't even have been an issue by now because I was well, but I was under an oppression like I have never felt at all and would never want for anyone. I didn't know what to do.

The day after, we went for a walk and the whole way round, my mind was in some kind of tennis match; 'I would stay' 'I would go' 'I would stay' 'I would go'. By the time we were on our way back to the house, I was going to stay, but as soon as I hit the house, I ran upstairs, grabbed the computer and logged onto the airline website, filled in my details and was trying to press 'Book tickets' when my finger kept repelling from the button. I would go at it with full force, but my finger couldn't flick the button. 

The fight was getting intense; the devil knew I'd heard all the reasons I was there, he saw I had met the children I was called to love, and he probably knew that my heart was giving way and he didn't want to lose. But PRAISE GOD, mercy said NO! 

I was prayed with and for, and that night, something shifted. I knew I was back because next morning, I was standing at the sink singing. I don't sing when I'm unwell, but when I'm okay, boy you can't stop me from belting out songs! I announced out of the back door that I was staying and felt the wash of relief, knowing I was doing what God had called me to and wanted for me!

It wasn't easy to continue on with our journey and I had to pray the whole car ride to our next base, and after finishing the first childrens club dissolved into a waterfall of tears on my friends shoulder admitting I couldn't and didn't know how to love the children like she and my other friend did. 

But God worked on that, and 3 years on, I have travelled back to see those beloved children 3 times and I thank God every time that He pushed me on, He held my hand and He enabled me to love them. His grace truly is amazing and this day, June 1st, will always be special to me, because although I was struggling, I caught the first glimpse of what my future is to look like, with these children, and I can never undo that.